CAUTION…MEN (NOT) AT WORK.

Well, folks, it’s me…Kayce Lassiter…again.  LOL  I missed my last blog date and I apologize.  It seems like life has been trying to run me over lately.  But I’m still standing and fighting the good fight.  

So, what to blog about today?  Hmmm…well, my last blog was about my cross-country trip and ripping the steps out of the motor home.  Nope, can’t top that one this week, but I can add to it because I finished the trip and then took off on another road trip.  On my first trip, I hit 14 states in 18 days.  On the second one, I hit 10 states in 15 days.  So in the last 5 weeks, I have personally driven over 10,000 miles.  That’s about 9-10 months of driving under normal circumstances for me, which means I’m pooped and ready to stay home or fly for a while.  LOL

Okay, so I didn’t wreck any more motor homes and I didn’t wreck my own truck…Thank God!  But I will tell you about something I have witnessed across this entire country and that is road construction.  Road freaking construction…and one hell of a lot of it!!!  I’m telling you, people, I will never complain about Arizona roads again—not after having traveled on I-70 and I-80 through multiple states.  I never knew it was possible to travel a road that long and be in a construction zone the whole stinking way.  Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit…not the whole way…only every 10 to 50 miles…and that’s a lot of construction zones.  That part I’m not exaggerating.  If you figure the average number of miles between construction zones is about 30 miles on a stretch of about 900 miles, that’s over 30 construction zones.  And I’m thinking I’m being generous at 30 miles between them because I’m pretty sure there were 123 construction zones!  They started the minute we crossed over the Arizona line into New Mexico and ended the moment we pulled into the driveway in Pennsylvania.  This entire country is one huge construction zone!

So I’m thinking why is so much of America under construction?  The story I was given everywhere we went was snow.  Okay, I get it…snow can tear up roads.  But we have snow here in Arizona.  I drove through Flagstaff and the roads were lovely.  Hmmm…me smells a rat in the grain room!  So if snow isn’t the definitive answer, what is it?  We know it ain’t heat because we have the market cornered on heat here in the Phoenix valley.  Now what?  Rain maybe?  Okay, that explains some of the country, but not all of it.  Remember, I said the roads were bad the minute we left Arizona.  I don’t think New Mexico gets a lot more rain than Arizona.  So what’s their excuse?   I smell a conspiracy!

Well, I think I finally figured it out.  It’s money.  Taxes, to be specific.  The more roads you have torn up, the more taxes you need to collect for the construction.  And let me tell you…you people in Illinois are paying WAY too much in taxes because every road in your state is under construction!  Driving through Illinois remind me of an old Mr. Magoo cartoon…things crashing down around you and you don’t dare look up because if you do, you know you’re gonna die.  So you set the cruise control on 25 (because you can’t go any faster than that) and you close your eyes and let the tires follow the grooves in the road and hope you don’t crash into a hundred construction barrels. 

And, while we’re on the subject…what the hell ever happened to construction cones?  The cute little soft cones that squished up when you ran over them?  Why did we go to huge orange barrels the size of a freaking cow that will turn your truck into a crushed Tonka toy if you are a little too far to the right…or some genius sets the barrels too close together?  Is this a test?  Is it a     conspiracy?  Are we rats in a huge orange maze?

Okay, I have an idea to reduce the taxes.  We move all the orange construction barrels to create a huge playground…or maybe we melt them down and use them to build a huge orange plastic city next door to Chicago.  We allow each state 10 roads they can tear up in 3 spots each year…pick the worst spots and patch the rest (nicely)...not those crappy patches that leave a mountain in the road big enough to high-center your car or a hole big enough to swallow a Buick.  Oh, and they can only replace 3 bridges a year…not all of them every year.  Then we take those 4 road workers at each site that are leaning on their shovels watching the one guy work…you’ve seen ‘em, you know I’m right…and we make them daycare workers at the huge orange plastic city next door to Chicago at a quarter of their existing pay.  There are enough of them out there that we could position them shoulder to shoulder around the perimeter of the orange city and they could watch the entire city from where they are sitting.  They’ll never have to move a muscle to keep an eye on the kids in that city…they’ll love it!  Then we keep the one guy who’s actually working the shovel at each site and we double his pay so he’s getting what he’s worth and we put him in charge of the 10 roads and 3 sites that are under construction in each state.

Voile…better roads, less taxes, everyone doing what they love and are good at.  LOL  Anything else you’d like me to fix while I’m at it?  No?  Not just a little bit?

All right, I know I’m exaggerating, but you all know there is a grain of truth in this.  And I’ll tell you…if I never travel on Interstate 70 ever again as long as I live, it will be too soon!  That has to be the worst road in America…and tearing the whole thing up doesn’t seem to be helping, people!  When I traveled that road in the RV, we had to tie the cabinet doors together with bag ties to keep them from vibrating open.  We had pots and pans, coffee cups, and toilet paper falling on our heads the whole way…all 123 construction zones.

You have never lived until you’ve driven through Chicago in a 30 foot RV during rush hour with your head wrapped in toilet paper and a coffee cup hanging off one ear!

That’s my story, frustrating and fantastical, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hold on tight now ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce

P.S.  I'd love it if you all would stop by and visit with me tomorrow at 4 p.m. EST at our book release party on Facebook.  If you don't already have an invitation in your inbox, get on Facebook and ask to friend me.  I will accept your friend request and send you an invitation to the party page.  Hope to see you there!  The party starts at 10:30 a.m. EST and goes until 10:30 p.m. EST and there are a slew of fabulous authors giving away a pile of free books, gift cards, and swag.  Friend me and join us!