REDNECK PICKUP LINES by Kayce Lassiter

Hey all, how ya doing?  Fine at this end.  Well, as most of you know, I’m half country and half redneck, so I love the weird shit that rednecks do…the more redneck, the better.

The Butterscotch Martini Girls did this week’s Blab on “Worst Pickup Lines” and we had a ball with it.  Be sure you read through to the end of this article to find the link that will take you over to see the blab, which includes some of the Redneck Pickup Lines that I will share here—and a lot more.  So kick back and don’t take any of this seriously.  We’re just having fun!  LOL

We’ve all heard the jokes about rednecks with no teeth, but who the hell woulda thought they’d actually build the image into pickup lines?  

Here’s a couple of my fav’s.

·        Hey baby, nice tooth.

·        I might be missing teeth, but that just leaves more room for your tongue.

·        I borrowed my daddy’s teeth just fer you.

Okay, the one that stands out here for me is the one about borrowing daddy’s teeth.  That’s just icky and makes me cringe every time I read it.  I’m a firm believer that everyone in the family should have their own set of teeth!  And I’ve always said that I insist on a man who has teeth—and wears them.

Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed that men have a fascination with bodily functions, and this is just magnified if the man is a redneck.

·        My Love fer you is like diarrhea - I kin't hold it in.       (Seriously?  Don’t do this!)

·        Did you fart?  'Cuz you just blew me away!

·        Have I shown you my outhouse?

Okay, where do I start?  The word diarrhea and fart have absolutely no place in a pickup line…EVER.  And showing the outhouse tends to imply that it’s part of the standard tour.  Uh…ladies…the appropriate answer here would be “NO!”  Right before you bolt for the car or signal the bouncer.

Alright, what would an article on anything redneck be without Nascar, monster trucks, and dip sticks?

·        Want to ride on my Monster truck?

·        Wanna go to my place and see who makes the best covered wagons?

·        Can I borrow your t-shirt?  I gotta go wipe the oil off my dip stick.

·        You got curves like a racetrack, and tonight, I'm gonna be your Ricky Bobby.

I’m giving the redneck guy credit here and assuming he’s really talking about an engine dip stick.  And I will admit that I was stumped by who Ricky Bobby was.  So I looked it up and found he was the character Will Ferrell played in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.  Okay, my bad…someone is probably already on their way to my door to make me turn in my redneck card.  But, seriously, if Will Ferrell played the character, it stands to reason that he doesn’t belong in your pickup line.  That’s a given, people!

Now, here’s where it gets dicey.  Rednecks and family.  Who’s related, who’s not?  We’ve all heard the stories and, yep, there’s a pickup line for that.

·        Girl you must be my cousin, cuz I sure wanna “do” you.

·        Hey baby, wanna go back to my place?  Mamma said you had to be home by 10.

·        Are yer parents retarded?  Cuz you sure are special.

There were actually a lot more pickup lines out there with references to family, but I don’t think it takes all that many to get the gist.  Do you?

No mention of redneck pickup lines would be complete without a mention of hunting or fishing.  So here’s a couple of those for your reading enjoyment.

·        Your hair’s as purdy as that squirrel I skinned this morning. And it smells just as good!

·        I just got back from fishing. Want to see my rod?

I almost feel sorry for the guy with the squirrel.  I think he probably meant well, but I’m pretty sure he got slapped.

Alright, we all know that rednecks love their alcohol and…shocker…there are even redneck pickup lines that center around drinking.

·        A few more beers, and I'd prob’ly do ya.  So jest gimme me a minute darlin’.

·        Want a drink? The still’s in my camper—or as I call it—my sheep shack.

Hey men, the first one is guaranteed to get you punched, and the 2^nd one will get you shot.  Refrain!  I must admit, however, that I’m intrigued by a still in the camper.  Where can I get one of those?  Do they make butterscotch martinis?

Now, this next group gets the “sorry ass” award, which means the guy tried but somehow fell seriously short of anything remotely effective…because we all know they did NOT work.

·        Can you help me find my puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

·        I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

·        I bet your father was a good farmer, cause you’re one fine hoe.

·        Hey you looking for a stud in your life?  Cause I got the STD, all I need is U.

Wow.  Some of these guys really are too stupid to live.  And as for the guy with the STD…WTF was he thinking?

So, now we get to the “didn’t even see the finish line” winners.  These are the ones where they thought they were being cute and sexy and ended up parked solidly on the “disgusting” line.  We’ve all met them, but I just pray to God that none of us have ever fallen for any of these!

·        Well, aren't you hotter than a mama cougar in heat running from my hunting dogs in August?

·        I am cooking out so if you want some juicy sausage come on over.

·        You’ve got 206 bones in your body. Want one more?

·        Yer face reminds me of a wrench.  Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

·        Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 3000 rpm?

·        Is there a mirror in yer pants?  'Cuz I can see myself in ‘em.

·        Hey you remember that BBQ, when I slapped my meat on your grill.

·        If you were a tree and I was a squirrel, i'd store my nuts in you.

Seriously?  Don’t you boys have some wings to pull off flies?  And, ladies, if any of you did fall for one of these, be advised that you will need to turn in your girl card by the end of the week.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at a wrench or a grill the same way again.

This next group of pickup lines is actually my favorite…mostly because they are just so wrong.

·        Did you sit in a pile of sugar?  Cuz you've got a pretty sweet ass.

·        If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep ‘til afternoon.

Is it wrong that I kinda think the first one is cute and that I totally understand the one about sleeping until afternoon?  Come on, you know you’ve been there!

And now for the awwww award….

·        Can I get a picture with you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Seriously, men?  There are 32 pickup lines here and only one with a snowball’s chance in hell of working?  Someone needs to step up their game!  I‘m just sayin…

Okay, what’s your worst or best pickup line?  We’d all love to hear it!  And what we really want to know is…did it work?  Doesn’t matter if you used it or heard it, inquiring minds want to know!

Well, that’s my story, Redneck and Ridiculous, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!]

Love ya,

Kayce

Be sure to check out the related Blab at:
Butterscotch Martini Girl Blabs