WTH? I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS.

 Well, this day has gone seriously off the rails! 

Oh wait…I didn’t say Hi. Where are my manners?  Hey-Howdy, folks.  I hope everyone is doing great out there, that life is giving you time to plant a garden, and that it’s all coming up roses.  I truly do! 

Now, back to my melt-down.  😊  Because we all know it’s gonna be spectacular.  LOL 

So, tell me…are you the person who gets up smiling and chatty (say it ain’t so), who rises early without an alarm, and sails into the day full-speed-ahead, wide eyed and optimistic, with no need for coffee, booze, or anything added to that orange juice or protein shake? 

Or are you the one (like me) who drags out of bed late because you stayed up too late with a good book and have hit snooze on your alarm for the fifth time, who desperately needs coffee to function, but cannot safely make coffee without having coffee, who will need a pair of pliers to pry her eyelids open because there is ten pounds of sand in each one, who shuffles to the kitchen desperately hoping no one is awake to mess with her?  Why is it that people always love to poke at the person who is not a morning person? It’s a good way to lose limbs.  And still, they do it, and are surprised when they pull back a bloody stump.  Well, I’m here to tell you…no poking! 

Anyway, I digress.  So, this morning I got up and shuffled to the kitchen.  As I opened the blinds, I made direct eye contact with my horse, Meeko, who stood with his head over the fence, staring at the house and hollering. I was about fifteen minutes late to feed and he knew it. Who the hell ever taught horses to tell time, anyway? 

So, this horse isn’t starving.  He has a half an acre of grass in the pasture that he can pick at.  I’d never have to feed him for a month and he would stay fat just on the grass that’s out there literally at his feet. But it’s not his delicious grain or his to-die-for cookie.  Which means if I run late, he is determined to yell at me until I deliver.  Not fair, but he cannot be stopped. So, I growl a warning about the glue factory and stumble to the barn to the tune of his whinnies and the striking of his hoof against the pipe rail fencing, making the whole fence ring like a gong, as I wonder why I ever thought having horses was a good idea. 

Once Meeko has been fed, I turn and shuffle toward the dog run, where everyone there is barking and turning circles because they are just happy to see me any time, unlike the ungrateful equine who resides at my home. 

After everyone has received their morning cookies, I shuffle back into the house to make coffee.  That must happen, and it must happen SOON!  So, I set up the pot, pour in the water, put in the grounds…I am good to go.  Put the pot in place and hit the button.  Soon I can hear my Java salvation flowing into the pot as I pop some bread into the toaster. 

Wait…I can hear it flowing? That isn’t right.  I turn to look at the coffeepot, only to find coffee flowing literally everywhere.  WTH?  Blinking through my confusion and moving fast, I pull 120 sheets of paper towels off the holder on the wall when I meant to get 3 or 4…because I’m not awake so I pulled too hard. Paper towels everywhere! 

I look back over my shoulder and see coffee spreading fast.  Okay, I might need all of these, so I grab a handful and run to the coffee spill, dumping a pile of paper towels onto the spill as I try to figure out what is going on. I realize that I have apparently set the pot onto the coffeemaker just enough that it pushes up the little stopper on the bottom of the basket, but not enough so it is actually centered under the downward flow of the coffee. 

While mentally troubleshooting through my morning fog, I am moving stuff out of the way like I’m performing a major lava-flow evacuation as I move the pile of paper towels around trying to blot up coffee faster. 

The next coherent moment I have is when I realize I probably should have actually torn the pile of paper towels from the holder, rather than leaving them attached in one long string of paper, because coffee is now being wicked into this long roll of paper and is climbing it like a rope, dripping all across the counter, down the front of the dishwasher, onto the rug, and creating puddles on the floor. 

Seriously, I could not have transferred it from the counter to the floor more efficiently! 

So, I hurry to disconnect the pipeline, scoop up all the paper towels and pile them on the counter to soak up the spreading spill as I clean up the waves of coffee lapping at my feet. Then I return to the countertop to again attempt to stem the flow.  All the while, the coffeemaker is chugging away, the sound adding to my sense of urgency. 

Now my toast pops up from the toaster, screaming that I need to butter it NOW, before it gets cold. Seriously? Like I need one more thing to do?  I grab more paper towels from the pile on the floor and stack them along the edge of the counter to keep the coffee contained while I go butter the shrieking toast. 

Oh-kay, toast buttered, coffee contained, no more pipeline to the floor, I take a breath and assess. Then I carefully pick up the hot coffeemaker and move it to the counter…because it sits on top of a Keurig K-cup storage box that is now also filled with coffee. 

As I’m holding the coffeemaker with one hand because there is nowhere to set it down, cursing because it’s hot and steam is burning my hand, and mopping coffee off the top of the storage box with an enormous pile of sopping paper towels, the alarm on my phone goes off (yet one more time) across the room on the dining room table. 

Are you kidding me?! 

Okay, longer story shorter…I managed to turn off the alarm, clean up the coffee, dispose of almost an entire roll of coffee-soaked paper towels, eat my toast, and am now sitting in a sea of calm in my recliner as I write my blog for this week.  The good news?  An hour ago, I had no blog, no idea, no concept for anything at all I could put down on paper.  I really have to stop asking the universe for help figuring out what to blog about.  That just doesn’t end well. 

And it’s a helluva way to start the day! 😊

Well, that’s my story, frantic and frazzled, and I’m stickin’ to it. Hang on tight now ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

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