Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens

 Kya Clark, known as the "Marsh Girl", is an astounding person.  With the desertion of her mother, father, and siblings, it's amazing she survives and eventually thrives in the marshland of North Carolina circa 1969.

Kya is left on the crumbling homestead, fending for herself by finding food, fishing for money, and studying the birds in the marsh.  The townsfolk know about her but keep their distance.  It's when she becomes a young woman, and her exotic beauty is evident that Tate watches her and dares to meet her.

Tate teaches her to read and is captivated with her self-taught knowledge of marsh birds.  He leaves for college with a promise to visit, a promise delayed for years.

Another teenage male, Chase Andrews, wants her attention.  It amazes me how patient Chase is with approaching her.  It takes a long time for her to trust his offered friendship.  During this time, Kya continues her studies in the marsh while logging all rare information.

Heartbreak happens in many ways, and when Chase is found dead at the bottom of an old watchtower, the town turns on Kya.  

Not sure if the death is murder or an accidental fall, Tate returns from college and gives Kya his trust once again.  

A very rich and colorful setting allows survival, love, and trust to grow slowly and solidly.

Happy reading, 

Dawn

All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot

 A memoir with romantic elements will touch all your hearts for animals and love between people.  

James Herriot, newly graduated from veterinary school in the early 1900's, finds a local Yorkshire veterinarian to work with.  School is nothing like real life and most of his experiences can only be taught by doing.

Working in the English countryside, enduring the rain, winds, and snow, the farm animals are loved and in need of care.  This leaves James little time for a young woman he has his eye on when her father's stock needs attention.  

James doesn't enjoy a cow or sheep needing his care, but he feels a different type of adrenalin when visiting Helen's farm.  Pushing himself to get the nerve to ask her for a date, it doesn't end well.  Neither does his next attempt on another lass.  

Maybe he's only comfortable around the animals whose heart he knows how to mend.

Yet, he doesn't give up.  Slow but steadfast, he finds a way to interest Helen in another outing.  And then another.  Love blooms in the spring!

Happy reading,

Dawn

P.S. I Hate You by Sophie Ranald

 Abbie and Matt, high school sweetheart's, a match everyone saw coming, are now married for twenty years.

Midlife crisis, questions, and doubt about a forever love run through Abbie's mind as she contemplates the past and present.  Is there a future?  Is the love still there, or is it just a dry patch in the relationship.

Abbie ponders their past, the good and the not so good.  Time for a plan.

Unknowing to Matt, who doesn't realize what's going round Abbie's thoughts, follows her lead into recreating past sexy and teasing scenes.  Abbie's best girlfriends encourage and are sure it'll bring the love back.

Always be careful on what you recreate, though.  Sometimes secrets escapes and add to the dilemma.  Let's hope Abbie and Matt realize love is still plentiful and worth the unexpected dry spell.

An exciting reconnection of a love that finds fault, yet can still rekindle if it's true.

Happy reading,

Dawn

Cross the Line A Boston Love Story by Julie Johnson

 A man never dates his best friend's sister.  Nate Knox knows this, follows this, yet will he ever cross the line?

Phoebe West has loved, lusted, and wished for some emotional connection to her brother's best friend since she was six years old.  She never got over it.  Two decades later, when Nate came back from Special Forces, maybe, just maybe she'll have the nerve to catch him or forget him.

Having an elite family comes with unexpected danger for Phoebe.  She's the advertising agent for her father's large construction company, which has enemies.

Nate has moved into protective services and watches who circles her.  She is clueless to why he unexpectedly appears and disappears, refusing to say more than two words or get too close to her.

Well, that ends when he needs to be around more often as the vultures are circling.  A casual bump, stares caught, and tremendous heat building up when they're near each other is stuffed down by Nate.  But Phoebe, it could be promising.  

Phoebe finds herself in a compromising position and it's a shame to progress under such circumstances, but she'll use it to her heart's advantage.  Nate has to put his talents to work to save her, and we can only hope it pushes him over the line!

Happy reading,

Dawn

 

Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter

How can love rip a family apart?  Karin Slaughter has that twist in her novel.
Lydia and Claire, two sisters left to figure out their lives after their oldest sister disappears and their parents fall into their own despair, end up with a problem that bring them back together after twenty years.
The problem is still their missing sister.  
Lydia is my favorite character.  She's the one that fought hard to correct her life, the addictions, the search for something right in her life, and dealing with the estrangement of her family. Her boyfriend of ten years doesn't sound so enticing on the outside, past criminal convictions, but loves her and really loves her!
Claire acts too perfect, the rich husband, has everything material, and doesn't see the truth.
That is, until it all unravels.  Claire's husband is murdered, evidence of her missing sister surfaces along with letters her father wrote to the missing sister (never delivered, of course), and letters from her mother to Lydia, also never delivered.
The proof of the sister's disappearance definitely points to one person, but who else is involved?  Local police?  The FBI? family members?  This is where the real love breaks free of the lies and repairs tattered relationships!

Happy reading,
Dawn

Everyone Brave is Forgiven by Chris Cleave

I love novels set in London, and this one is during 1939-1942.  A cruel and heart shaping time.   A time when the least likely people are thrown together to survive the part they played in World War Two.
 Mary North didn't care that her father was a Parliamentary representative, her mother an elite house wife, she still wanted to be a spy.  Finding out that won't be in her options, she jumped into the idea of becoming a teacher.  Her teaching became a small, yet significant avenue for the forgotten children.  The children who were disabled or poor and weren't sent to the country to avoid the war.
 Tom Shaw, a man educated for his position as a teacher, did not have the same background or assets available to Mary.  But he had something else she wanted.    
 Several sub characters help set the mood.  Alistair, long-time friend of Tom, enlisted, and the unbelievable horrors of fighting the Germans affects his psyche.  Yet, Alistair has a profound effect on Tom and Mary while attempting to hide his nightmares.  Zachary showed love and compassion as he attempted to learn the impossible as a young, partially illiterate boy whom Mary devoted her newfound skills to making him whole.
 A handful of other close friends and family make footprints in the story.  All the lives exposed in Everyone Brave is Forgiven, highlight what the people think, feel, and how they react to everything big and small.  The fact that true love can be fertilized during a war, is evidence of the power love has over the destructions of war.
 Cleave's inspiration grew from love letters between his grandparents.  Wow, would I like to read those!

Read every day!
Dawn

Pocketful of Diamonds Cover Reveal

Hey Everyone!

I'm sneaking in a post today because I'm so excited! Pocketful of Diamonds, which will be released on May 13, 2016, now has a cover. Woohoo! Check it out!

 

 

For more information about Pocketful of Diamonds or any information about me, please click the link below.
http://www.nicolettepierce.com/books/pocketful-of-diamonds/

I'll be back in a few days for more :)
Nicolette Pierce

XXX Thanksgiving

I’m going to tell you a short story today about thankfulness, imagination, and the not-so-common cold.

It all started a week ago when I was attacked by the local bug making a home up my nose, down my throat, and burrowing in my chest.  I haven’t had a cold for nine years.  I thought I was immune. 

I tried all the drugs the pharmacy assured me would work.  My uninvited visitors are still creeping around in their slimy glory.

As a writer, it’s best to think out of the box to keep a story lively, interesting, and unusually twisted.  I guess it’s time to make up my own medicine.  I’ve done stranger things.  Along with a recipe for an obnoxious cold, a story came to life. 

The XXX part is that I’m going to tell you where the story came from along with a dose of sexuality because it fits nearly every time when a romance author writes.  It’s rare to know the thoughts of an author as the story unfolds and how she/he came up with the ideas.

Words of the author are in parenthesis…

***Sabrina (name evolved from an adopted Rottweiler.  The former owner suspected that Sabrina was possessed, so she dumped the toddler dog at the Humane Society.  She became mineJ) researched herbs.  It wasn’t her normal passion, but herbs are healthy.  Herbs smell good.  Herbs are in the news.

Sabrina’s cold, flue, or dirty rotten germs (I really had a cold and checked the herbal remedies) persisted longer than two days.  This was ludicrous and she acted rationally.

She came up with a list: Oregano, cinnamon, ginger, cloves, lungwort, and don’t forget the peppermint (I really used all except peppermint and lungwort.  They weren’t handy at the time).  The list could’ve included an entire garden, but Sabrina focused on the top ten before the idea became a burden.  (I have superb intentions all the time.  I don’t always follow through with those that are a chore and don’t have to have attention).

A basket buried at the back of her clothes closet supplied folded cheesecloth (I used paper towel).  Sabrina felt she was on the right track.  Witches used cheesecloth (or is that my imagination?) and wrapped all kinds of potions and remedies that her targets feared.  She was not afraid.

Recipe: A heavy dollop of each herb mentioned (true) on the cheesecloth dampened with hot water.  Tuck the remedy to your chest.  Hint:  It’s helpful to use your bra to keep it in place.

Sabrina breathed deeply, feeling the essence of her created drug seep into her lungs and clear the path for a deep breath.

The snow glowed under the sun and streamed through the four patio doors.  The fire crackled.  The couch invited.  Sabrina noticed a portion of the cushions left for her between two dogs already lounging (true story).

Enter the XXX scene…

Sabrina snuggled on the couch, head cushioned by Satchel’s shoulder and her legs wrapped around Minnie (Actually quite comfortable).  Her eyes drooped closed with The Twelve Men of Christmas carrying on in the background.

The coffee (I really drank a Bloody Mary- virgin style) steamed and the heavily scented (probably from the poultice of herbs nestled in her bra) cup of mushroom barley soup was set in front of her.  Sabrina sat alone at a worn wooden table in the Grasshopper café (great place in Wisconsin). 

She entertained herself with the antics of other patrons.  Two joyous twenty-somethings sat at the bar and batted their eyes and cracked their lips whenever the dark haired bartender visited their spot.

Two tables away a group of four apparently thought everyone else enjoyed their conversation (truly loud enough). 

In walked a serious face, stubble starting in the early day, khaki pants and a windbreaker.  He sat by himself, kept to himself, and waited.

Sabrina kept her head dipped toward her soup as the next man entered and joined Windbreaker.  He, the new man, was heavenly (Yes, he walked right past me).

Six feet of steel.  Dress pants, mock turtleneck, tightly trimmed light brown hair, and the serious look that must be the protocol to join their group.

Six Feet motioned to the bartender and flashed a badge. (I didn’t see the badge, but I heard his statement).  “Federal DEA agent.  We need a private room.”  Oh, how I, I mean Sabrina nearly jumped out of her clothes onto him. 

A real Federal agent in her little town of thirty thousand people!  He was evocative, strong, and powerful just like the characters in romance novels.  They’re truly out there!

To save all the preliminary actions as this is a short story, Sabrina peeled off her clothes and the DEA Agent took her all over the evacuated restaurant as his muscles pulsed and throbbed for her visionary delight and physical enjoyment.

It was a happy dream.  Sabrina blamed it on her herbal poultice. 

Warning:  Poultice not approved by the FDA, but rather concocted by myself.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving and appreciate everyone and –thingJ

Dawn 

Pickup Lines–Do They Work?

Hi guys!  Good to see you again.  Well, here it is blog day and once again Kayce spent her Thursday night trolling the internet for a blog topic.  And while trolling on the internet, I came across some pickup lines, so I thought you might enjoy some of the absolute jewels I managed to find.  There are sweet ones, weird ones, cute ones, creepy ones, lines that you hope will never work, and lines that just might.  So pick out your fav’s and least fav’s and let me know what you think. 

This first one seemed strange until I thought it through.

• I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

I’m thinking that’s not the real reason.  My mother warned me about wearing patent leather shoes!

The next two are for those who are hungry…

• Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!
• Hershey's makes millions of kisses a day…all I'm asking for is one from you.  (Awhhh)

Not exactly the smoothest or the most creative, but there is a promise of food…and kisses.  Don’t forget the kisses.  :-)

Here’s another one I hadn’t heard before…

• You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?

Okay, I’ll have to think about that one.  I was going to dis it, but when I read it out loud, I found it actually had merit.  Can I get back to you on that?

Men, please don’t try this out in public.  You might get away with it at home, though.

• I'm not staring at your boobs. I'm staring at your heart.

Sure you are…and if you aren’t careful, the tip of my…uh…left heart is going to put your eye out!

These next lines are quite possibly the worst ever!  There is no way in hell that body parts or bodily functions belong in a pickup line.  These rank right up there with proposing to a woman by peeing your proposal in the snow.

• If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
• Did you fart, ‘cause you blew me away.
• Hey...somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

Farts and diarrhea come eventually in every love affair, but please don’t use these to kick-start a new relationship.  I think it’s an automatic defense for murder.

These next three would require a certain kind of girl…probably the kind you couldn’t take home to mom.  J

• Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!
• If you were a transformer, you'd be a HOT-obot, and your name would be Optimus Fine.
• Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

Oh wait…no, I think that last one got lumped into the wrong grouping…that one’s kinda creepy.  Kick that one to the curb.  No pickup line should ever include the word chloroform…it’s just plain wrong.

This next set of pickup lines might actually work.  They range from clever to sweet.  I’d fall for any one of these as long as the guy wasn’t a troll.

• If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
• I bet you $20 you're gonna turn me down.  (If you’re like me, you’ll have to think this one through.)
• You see my friend over there? [Point to friend] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
• I'm sorry, were you talking to me? [No] Well then, please start.
• When God made you, he was showing off.
• Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
• You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.     (Winner!)
• There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it.

And these three are definite winners!

• I may not be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true.
• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
• If I had to choose between breathing or loving you, I would say "I love you" with my last breath!

What woman doesn’t long to be the happiest woman on earth?  What woman doesn’t hope that one day all her dreams will come true?  And what woman doesn’t want a man who will love her until his last breath?  After all, that’s why we write books.  Men – take notes!

• Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s'more.

Okay, so that one reminds me of a Butterscotch Martini Girls night on the town.  You’ve never lived until you’ve gone to a cowboy bar to ogle cowboy butts and eat s’mores, followed by a field trip to the adult toy store with that crew!  LOL

These next two are actually some of my favorites, but it takes the right kind of guy to deliver these lines.  He has to be tall and handsome and suave…or she might actually end up with his money!

• Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?  (I actually think this one is fabulous!  LOL)
• I'm not actually this tall.  I'm sitting on my wallet. 

See what I mean about how those have to come from the right guy?  Anything less than perfection and the tide turns to pathetic and he’s toast…and she’s got the money.

And here are the slightly desperate, but just enough that they might work…

• Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.
• Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?
• Be unique and different, say yes.      (This one turns fabulous if he’s fabulous.)
• Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumors, and even death! So for my health and yours, JUST SAY YES!      (And then run like the wind!)

Okay, girls, I’ gonna warn you here…DO NOT fall for any of these…please…

• Is your last name Gillette?  Because you are the best a man can get.
• Is your name "Swiffer"?  'Cause you just swept me off my feet.
• Do you work at Dick's?  ‘Cause you're sporting the goods.
• I'm Mr. Right.  Someone said you were looking for me?
• Is your last name Campbell? Cause you're "mmmm... good!"

You fall for any one of those lines, you marry the guy…and that’s the one that’s gonna buy you vacuum cleaners, toasters, mops and cleaning supplies for Christmas.  Maybe even a set of left-handed golf clubs…and you’re not even left-handed…he is.  RUN!

This next one will work only because it will take you by surprise and make you laugh out loud.

• I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but...I'm Batman!

And for the rednecks out there…

• Baby, you are so fine I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.

Sigh!  Okay, I love “redneck”, but that one is a little too redneck—even for me.  Best let this one stay in the closet.  The girl that falls for this one is probably riding an elevator that doesn’t go all the way to the top.

Okay, this one is just ugly and can be taken so many different ways…guys, DON’T DO IT!

• Are you a beaver?  ‘Cause daaaaam!

I told you so…that one ain’t gonna end well.

Now, I think it’s time for my absolute favorite.  This one is extremely flattering and has just the right twist of humor without the cheesy crap…

• My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the bar.  Wanna buy some drinks with their money?

And you’re in for a free drink…how can either of you lose with that one?!

Okay, what’s your worst or best pickup line?  We’d all love to hear it!  And what we really want to know is…did it work?

That’s my story, sad and sassy, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hold on tight now ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce

Kayce Lassiter's Do's and Don'ts of Internet Dating

Okay, I might as well come clean, fess up, get it off my chest...I'm a chronic procrastinator.  I'm sure they have support groups for people less afflicted than me, but "Hell no, I won't go!"  I'm gonna dig in my heels and hold out until the very last minute.  I'm gonna wait until the ninth hour, until the deadline is eminent, until the adrenaline is pumping and the risk of failure is looming large.  I'm gonna walk the bleeding edge of procrastination and laugh in the face of the concept of actually scheduling a blog ahead of time.  And one day I'm going to come up totally freaking empty and have to make the walk of shame with no one to blame but myself.  But not today!  Not this week, not this girl—and I have my niece to thank for that.  Thank you, B-girl, you are a rock star!

A few years ago, I wrote a couple of blogs over on the Butterscotch Martini Girls site about some of my internet dating experiences.  Well, the saga continues and I'm still searching the internet world for the perfect man for me.  Now, mind you, I'm not looking for the perfect man—that's like dragons and unicorns—they don't exist except in our books.  I'm just looking for the one that's perfect for me.  I know...you're right...in all fairness, the perfect woman is a myth also.  But that's not the subject of this blog.  Over the last five years, I've read literally thousands of profiles and have talked to enough men to single-handedly staff a Million Man March.  Okay, that's an exaggeration, but it sure feels like it.

Well, as I sat here tonight staring at a blank computer screen with the panic rising like water over the Titanic, the B-girl suggested I should blog again about internet dating.  It seems my nieces never tire of hearing about the systematic humiliation of their favorite aunt.  So, why not?  My blogs are all about Life, Love, and Laughter and what's more closely aligned with that than internet dating?  But this time, I'm not going to give you all the sordid details of my dating life or describe for you the tales of a wandering minstrel that couldn't find his way to Arizona.  This time I'm just going to address this blog to those hopeful women out there who are looking to internet dating as the potential solution to all their dating woes.  If this is you, my advice is to run like the wind.  Internet dating is NOT for sissies!  It can be overwhelming as hell to go through all those profiles and try to decipher the secret code.  And make no mistake, there is a secret code and it's not documented in the FAQ's for the match site.  The only place you can learn the code is in the school of hard knocks or from a friend who's attended the school.  So...sit down, put on your seatbelt, and grab some popcorn and a soda...I'm gonna give you Kayce Lassiter's do's and don'ts of internet dating.

What are we looking for? 

• A man with an interesting profile that gives you some insight into his values and his character.
• The profile that shows a man who is appealing to the heart, as well as the eye.
• Someone with goals and interests and dreams.
• Someone willing to help support your goals and interests and dreams.
• The man who makes the reader imagine a future full of love and respect.
• A man who aligns closely with our dreams, whatever those may be.
• An individual with enough resources to not be a drain or a burden, but isn't consumed with his stuff to the detriment of his relationships.
• Honesty, happiness, laughter, intelligence, wit, common sense, and adventure embodied in male form.
• The rare man who speaks well of his ex's and isn't afraid to tell you how many there have been.

Well, girls, this ever-elusive creature can be as hard to find as a pink striped cat at a dog fight, but don't lose heart.  Just take a gander a this list and see if you don't agree that this is a pretty comprehensive list of ways to cull the herd and find a good 'un.

• If the new guy talks a little too much a little too soon about his possessions and money, supposedly in the spirit of "full disclosure", beware!  He is either lying desperate to inpress you, or loose-lipped.  None of these gets my vote for "catch of the year"...or even "catch of the day".  Swim away!
• Profiles with no pictures should have a red circle with a slash over them and a tagline that reads "Keep Out".  There is a reason there's no picture...he's probably married.  And his line about not being able to post a picture because he's an FBI agent and the bureau won't allow it...probably a load of bull.  (Believe it or not, this guy's out there.)
• If the man's picture is taken at a range of a quarter mile, but close-ups of his dog, cat, hamster, jackass, artwork, or nieces and nephews are all at point blank range, scroll on.  He's either completely incapable of operating a simple camera, has no friends, or is hiding something.  None of this bodes well for you.
• Take care with the man whose profile is full of pictures of hot little sports cars, expensive toys, exotic locations and mansions, but his profile says "facilities engineer".  He's not engineering anything...those are all things he's cleaning for someone else.
• Beware of match sites that want you to list your income level and beware of men who do.
• Men who take pictures with their herd of little fluffy, yappy dogs are either trying too hard to show you their sensitive side or are too attached to the little yappers.  Unless you enjoy sharing your bed with five dogs with fleas and bad breath, kennel this one.

• Stay away from men whose profiles have pictures of them with Hooters waitresses, cheerleaders, or Vegas showgirls.  These men are out to impress the other men on the match site.  These guys just haven't come out of the closet yet.
• Retired vs. umemployed vs. semi-retired is a very interesting dilemma.  Retired generally means retired.  Unemployed usually means unemployed, but is seldom listed.  Semi-retired, however, isn't always what it's cracked up to be.  This is the time to ask some pointed questions.  Very often, semi-retired is a euphemism for old, unemployed, broke, and can't find a job.   Make sure he is "semi-retired" with some visible means of support—other than you!
• If you run across the guy whose profile says he's 60, but his primary profile picture shows a man in his 20's giving a peace sign and wearing a moustache, sideburns, and an afro...keep on truckin'.  That's a man who spends way too much time in the past.
• If his marriage status on his profile says, "it's complicated", run for the hills!  Honesty is the best policy, but that doesn't mean "unmarried man sleeping with camel and dating woman on the side" is ever a good idea.
• If he shows up in a swimsuit for your first date, you'd better be meeting at the beach.
• The guy who asks you out on a 3rd coffee date is either terribly undecided, terribly cheap, or just plain bored and you're better than nothing.  Make yourself absent from his life.
• If the new dreamboat is loud and talks over the top of you, either he's more interested in himself than you...or he's DEAF.  Unless you know sign language, let this one slide on by.
• A man in a white shirt and a tie standing in front of an airplane isn't necessarily a pilot.
• The man who says he is "living with his elderly mother to take care of her" might be the most loving and selfless man on the planet, but it could also be code for "I'm a fifty year old loser with no job and no resources and I'm living in my mother's basement, spending my days playing solitaire on the internet in my tighty whities."  Buyer beware!
• Pass on the guy who believes he's had the worst luck ever in picking spouses or ex-girlfriends.  Remember—he picked them!  This guy should stick with picking watermelons.  It's ever so much easier.  He's just not good at this.
• Just say no to the man who asks where you live and says 15-20 miles is too great a distance to travel.  He either doesn't have a car or he doesn't have a life.
• You ask him what he likes to do and he ticks off a list of his favorite TV shows.  This one is parked in a recliner with an empty recliner next to him just waiting for your butt.  Beware...he will NOT share the clicker...you will end up watching Dragnet reruns and shows about how to fish for bass!
• Glamour shots for men?  When is that EVER a good idea?  NOT!
• Steer clear of the man who admits he cheated on the ex.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.  And if he tells you she drove him to it, remember...she may have driven him to the airport, but he bought the ticket.
• When the new guy evades your question about how many times he's been married with nonsense about how it's a new start and he just wants to focus on you and not the past, kick him to the curb.  If he won't name a number, it's a BIG one!
• Guys who have a huge beer belly and a picture of themselves in a full length shirt that ends well above their belly button, but either list themselves as "athletic" or "average" in build and want to find a woman who is "hot" and "thin" are delusional or blind.  Just because you ask, it doesn't mean you will receive.
• The man who asks about your sexual preferences in the third email (before you've even met) either has an agenda or the equipment doesn't work and he's culling the herd before he wastes too much time on you.  Head for higher pastures!
• He asks your dress or bra size before you've met.  I'm thinking cross-dresser???
• The profile says he has a dog named Hitler, a cat named Stalin, a rat named Attila, and a parakeet named Jeffrey Dahmer.  This one was almost too creepy to write...stay home, lock your doors!
• At the risk of offending anyone, let me just say that midgets and circus clowns are like rhubarb pie—if you like it, it's wonderful.  But if it's not your thing, go for the coconut cream.  Everyone has a preference and it's okay to say it's not yours.  Don't get guilted into ordering a meal you don't intend to eat.  But hey, adventure can be a wonderful thing...if that's your bag.
• The man who shows up to a first meeting with his wallet and at least enough money for his own coffee is a definite contender.  And if he buys your coffee, you might have found the Holy Grail!
• McDonald's can be a good place to meet—public, clean, cheap in the event he forgot his wallet (this one should be a real strong hint), and if he remembers his wallet but turns out to be a total jerk, there's no guilt associated with a fast exit left.
• The Walgreens parking lot is NOT a good place to meet—public, clean, cheap, but just plain weird.
• The guy whose true height is at least 2 inches shorter than the profile states is either shrinking faster than he can update his profile or he's just flat delusional.  Either way, I'd give this one a pass.
• Sometimes the real keeper is the man who shows up on time for your first date in full length pants, his hair is combed, he smells good, he isn't smudged or covered in grease, he's not sweating like a whore in church—and if he has ear wax, YOU CAN'T FREAKING SEE IT from across the table!
  
• He wants to pick you up at your house for a first meeting, but you suggest a more public location to meet.  If he is offended that you don't trust him enough to let him come to your house, slam-dunk this one.  He's lied about how many axes he has hanging in his garage.
• If his picture frightens you when you open it, he's probably not your guy.  A friend of mine once told me looks aren't important, so I showed her the last profile picture I'd opened.  She jumped when I opened it and said, "Holy Crap!"  I rest my point.  Looks definitely are NOT everything, but they can be very important in certain circumstances.  Everyone can't be Hugh Jackman, but he should at least have attempted to put his best foot forward.  The old proverbial "A for effort" is important here.
• The man who spends six months trying to find the state you live in isn't a good bet for making it home every night.
• Remember, there are lots of gorgeous men out there.  But some of the best advice I ever got was from a very good friend of mine who said, "It's better to be the pretty one."  Sage advice!
• Beware of the guy whose primary photo is a bevy of dead beavers hugging a tree or him with a rifle and a dead elk.  It's not an issue that he is a hunter—I happen to love hunters—the issue is that this is the best picture he has.  Marry this man and you will spend the rest of your life with a singing fish mounted above your television.
• And last but not least—teeth are important.  Are they clean?  Are they maintained?  Does he have them?  And does he wear them?  Enough said.

Okay, now that you've been through the Kayce Lassiter school of internet dating, either you're armed and ready to go out and try it yourself or you're moving the TV and recliner into your walk-in closet where you intend to spend the rest of your life alone.  Well, I warned you...internet dating definitely is not for the faint of heart.  But for those of us who are eternal optimists, we just know there's one out there for us—the perfect man for me, the one who shows up looking good, smelling good, talking good, with his wallet, his teeth, and his manners.  He visits momma on Mother's Day, he remembers your birthday, he opens doors and pulls out chairs for you, he's honest and caring and repectful and he'd willingly walk from California to New York just to be with you.  Now that's the Happily Ever After I'm talkin' about!

That's my story, twisted but true, and I'm stickin' to it.  Hang on tight now 'cuz we're gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce